One person makes all the difference
I will start from the now and move back and forth with my mind.Last Wednesday Akram Ul Huq and I looked at each other for respite for a moment as we sat in the car recollecting a moment a patient told Akram, it went something like,"When will you come next?Please come back while I am alive!"
Akram is a very popular musician in the city of Hyderabad and plays beautiful yet stirring music that makes silence very conspicuous.When I heard him play for the first time, I knew that I could write on the piece of music I heard, I did.A few days later I requested if he could play for the people in the hospice, I simultaneously read many articles on Music therapy, there were cases of resentful and withdrawn patients beginning to communicate and information of the associative power of the music that aids to the meaning making aspect of end-of-life care, that makes music invaluable among many things.I was sure that my patients would be benefited and all I had to do is convince Akram to visit the hospice once and then he could decide, fortunately it was an instant yes from his side.After many phone calls back and forth to the administration committee,We received a Yes. I have to tell you that I am the nuisance in the department who comes up with silly things like music and art volunteers, appeals for self reflection and death review meets distracting well meaning workers from "serious " work of Palliative Medicine.I often read up the latest practices abroad, from Oxford text book of Palliative Medicine and demand that we upgrade, naturally I am not very popular, or at least for good reasons.Most of my petitions aren't carried forward even if they are simple posters that urge people to start conversations around death.
So two months after the yes,we reached the hospice at noon , surprisingly on The World Music Day, and were met by a family that was grieving the ill health of their daughter with loud cries. Akram had been spoken to about possibilities of sudden death of the patients but still the discomfort I felt, which didnt exist when I was alone, sprang up to my surprise, I had wanted him to go home feeling fulfilled as if somehow this hindered the fulfillment.I went back to the car where he was standing and told him why they were crying and he replied with an ,"Okay."
I showed him the room where he would perform and asked Rafisa Begum, who helps keep the hospice clean and is very devout in her service to the people there to arrange for the chairs, I walked around bed to bed, introducing myself to each patient and explaining to the relatives that we had a musician and that it would be good for their family member to be out of the bed for a while, It took more convincing to tell them that it was okay for them to come listen too.I could sense the guilt at the thought of indulging in sensory savoring at this moment in time for them.I had done this before,arranging for support group, calling them to make crafts, many times, most times I was met with blank stare because of the language barrier or point blank refusal as such frivolity.This time too it wasn't different, meanwhile Akram had started playing and his guitar comforted me with its thickness of sound, assuring that it knew its work, people gathered more easily and I went in easing out.There was a point one needed to stop.
Children sat on the bed, One young woman , ill with cancer sat transfixed, there were several people belonging to different families, few came because I called, few because they like the sound, few sat jittery, ready to leave and one thoroughly enjoyed, letting it sink in, he sat with his back pressed to the chair, head tilted and eyes closed, We could see he was enjoying some precious peace.Akram slowed down and I wanted to say something else which was misunderstood to be the end of the session and the remaining people walked away, I apologized ,there was a need to make sure both the parties have a valuable experience and that didn't help me be at ease.I realised that I was doing a lot and this doing would add nothing, lost at what else to do or what not to, I just wished the day would just end with everything alright, music was supposed to create magic, intimacy with strangers was supposed to create magi but what was happening?
One of the people at hospice had been in the film industry earlier, something I had found out while I spoke, He said, he had an idea about the technicalities of music, since his neighbors had problems with music being played in the ward, we requested him to come to the room again, the neighbor's wife personally moved his wheelchair.In the room, Akram told me he was going to play his own composition ,at this point, I told him, "Please speak to him " I wanted both of them to get comfortable and more than anything to enjoy being with my patient and with the music being played,I wanted to ease out and lick my wounds, I wasnt particularly dismayed and I didnt really expect anything in particular but was worried that I had over promised both my patients and Akram.
He started playing and after the first composition, request for a song came, singing wasn't Akrams's forte we were told , and then I said he could sing if he wanted to, He complained about the pain and then I asked him, which song would he want to hear and He requested ,"Papa Kehte hai" a popular 90s graduation song, He dedicated it to his father who was the only member caring for him, I started, he joined , taking care to sound perfect and he was very close to it, the distance only being the result of the pain,
One song followed the next, there was, "Aaj Jaane ki Zidh na karo", more than three songs in Telugu languageincluding one "fast "one, he was sliding his palms over his stomach to ease the hurt even as he sang, When we took a first lul, the father joined and mid way between the song, his eyes moistened, I held his hand, I was ashamed of myself, I hadnt given him the space to let out, despite my training and tolerance to be with silences and emotions, this seemed so instinctive, I could take his pain but not the shame and helplessness as a father, I sat down and gestured for him to sit next to me,He and I sang a few songs, "aai malik tere bande hum" meant so much at this point and was a moment of reflection for all of us combined and then there was, "Boondh chupa kis Baadal mein- Koi jaane na" of another popular song, He too seemed to know about music modulating his voice, tilting his head, gesturing with his eyes,-We were all aware of the fleeting nature of this shared moment, it was true not only for him but even for the other three of us.
At the end, Our film director said, "Asie offer end mein hi aate hai."- Such offers(referring to an opportunity or lucky bargain) arrive at the end( Referring to his life. I laughed spontaneously Akram stared for a second and we were all aware of the truth of the statement , life is not devoid of little deaths! We had the sense to not negate his experience and feelings by asking him to talk of pleasant things or telling him that he need not worry about his health.We learn about balancing Hope and truth in palliative medicine,here repeating the statement seemed apt to me, proclaiming his truth, the truth for every one to hear and pay attention to,This was indeed an insight from his side than a plea . He however stopped Akram again asking him when he would return, this time he choked when he requested our visit before his life ends, I moved his wheelchair to his bed, we spoke for a while and how he had often seen me at MNJ Institute Of Oncology and how happy he was.
Somehow Akram and I had become partners in a faraway mission from the almost strangers we were two hours ago, struggling to make a conversation, I touched his shoulder and there was the comfort of silence in the car, Slowly we spoke about what happened and what ran on our minds, I didnt know that I was troubled by abrupt severing of ties with my patient and their moving away, I had never heard myself speak about this earlier, He asked me how I handled when patients cried in front of me speaking about their death and spoke about how difficult it was for him to hear him request to come while he was alive.I again looked away from Akram. I now realize that I need to expand my ability to hold and contain emotions. Big Learning.Somewhere in the involvement with training people, I have reduced the time spent in silences , both with myself and others.Hope the trip will balance the scales.
We thanked each other profusely and parted, I held on to the thing I had told Akram,to not dissipate or distract from this discomfort in the heart, to allow things to emerge from it.His music had done its magic for us all over again, and once again it was proven to me that it just takes one person to make your day, one person makes all the difference, Meeting the man, enjoying music with him, was enough,One willing Akram was enough,One person resting well was enough. This visit was more beautiful than I in my limited capacity could perceive and conceive, Beauty prevailed again.
To Hear the magic Akram Ul Haq creates please check
Akram is a very popular musician in the city of Hyderabad and plays beautiful yet stirring music that makes silence very conspicuous.When I heard him play for the first time, I knew that I could write on the piece of music I heard, I did.A few days later I requested if he could play for the people in the hospice, I simultaneously read many articles on Music therapy, there were cases of resentful and withdrawn patients beginning to communicate and information of the associative power of the music that aids to the meaning making aspect of end-of-life care, that makes music invaluable among many things.I was sure that my patients would be benefited and all I had to do is convince Akram to visit the hospice once and then he could decide, fortunately it was an instant yes from his side.After many phone calls back and forth to the administration committee,We received a Yes. I have to tell you that I am the nuisance in the department who comes up with silly things like music and art volunteers, appeals for self reflection and death review meets distracting well meaning workers from "serious " work of Palliative Medicine.I often read up the latest practices abroad, from Oxford text book of Palliative Medicine and demand that we upgrade, naturally I am not very popular, or at least for good reasons.Most of my petitions aren't carried forward even if they are simple posters that urge people to start conversations around death.
So two months after the yes,we reached the hospice at noon , surprisingly on The World Music Day, and were met by a family that was grieving the ill health of their daughter with loud cries. Akram had been spoken to about possibilities of sudden death of the patients but still the discomfort I felt, which didnt exist when I was alone, sprang up to my surprise, I had wanted him to go home feeling fulfilled as if somehow this hindered the fulfillment.I went back to the car where he was standing and told him why they were crying and he replied with an ,"Okay."
I showed him the room where he would perform and asked Rafisa Begum, who helps keep the hospice clean and is very devout in her service to the people there to arrange for the chairs, I walked around bed to bed, introducing myself to each patient and explaining to the relatives that we had a musician and that it would be good for their family member to be out of the bed for a while, It took more convincing to tell them that it was okay for them to come listen too.I could sense the guilt at the thought of indulging in sensory savoring at this moment in time for them.I had done this before,arranging for support group, calling them to make crafts, many times, most times I was met with blank stare because of the language barrier or point blank refusal as such frivolity.This time too it wasn't different, meanwhile Akram had started playing and his guitar comforted me with its thickness of sound, assuring that it knew its work, people gathered more easily and I went in easing out.There was a point one needed to stop.
Children sat on the bed, One young woman , ill with cancer sat transfixed, there were several people belonging to different families, few came because I called, few because they like the sound, few sat jittery, ready to leave and one thoroughly enjoyed, letting it sink in, he sat with his back pressed to the chair, head tilted and eyes closed, We could see he was enjoying some precious peace.Akram slowed down and I wanted to say something else which was misunderstood to be the end of the session and the remaining people walked away, I apologized ,there was a need to make sure both the parties have a valuable experience and that didn't help me be at ease.I realised that I was doing a lot and this doing would add nothing, lost at what else to do or what not to, I just wished the day would just end with everything alright, music was supposed to create magic, intimacy with strangers was supposed to create magi but what was happening?
One of the people at hospice had been in the film industry earlier, something I had found out while I spoke, He said, he had an idea about the technicalities of music, since his neighbors had problems with music being played in the ward, we requested him to come to the room again, the neighbor's wife personally moved his wheelchair.In the room, Akram told me he was going to play his own composition ,at this point, I told him, "Please speak to him " I wanted both of them to get comfortable and more than anything to enjoy being with my patient and with the music being played,I wanted to ease out and lick my wounds, I wasnt particularly dismayed and I didnt really expect anything in particular but was worried that I had over promised both my patients and Akram.
He started playing and after the first composition, request for a song came, singing wasn't Akrams's forte we were told , and then I said he could sing if he wanted to, He complained about the pain and then I asked him, which song would he want to hear and He requested ,"Papa Kehte hai" a popular 90s graduation song, He dedicated it to his father who was the only member caring for him, I started, he joined , taking care to sound perfect and he was very close to it, the distance only being the result of the pain,
One song followed the next, there was, "Aaj Jaane ki Zidh na karo", more than three songs in Telugu languageincluding one "fast "one, he was sliding his palms over his stomach to ease the hurt even as he sang, When we took a first lul, the father joined and mid way between the song, his eyes moistened, I held his hand, I was ashamed of myself, I hadnt given him the space to let out, despite my training and tolerance to be with silences and emotions, this seemed so instinctive, I could take his pain but not the shame and helplessness as a father, I sat down and gestured for him to sit next to me,He and I sang a few songs, "aai malik tere bande hum" meant so much at this point and was a moment of reflection for all of us combined and then there was, "Boondh chupa kis Baadal mein- Koi jaane na" of another popular song, He too seemed to know about music modulating his voice, tilting his head, gesturing with his eyes,-We were all aware of the fleeting nature of this shared moment, it was true not only for him but even for the other three of us.
At the end, Our film director said, "Asie offer end mein hi aate hai."- Such offers(referring to an opportunity or lucky bargain) arrive at the end( Referring to his life. I laughed spontaneously Akram stared for a second and we were all aware of the truth of the statement , life is not devoid of little deaths! We had the sense to not negate his experience and feelings by asking him to talk of pleasant things or telling him that he need not worry about his health.We learn about balancing Hope and truth in palliative medicine,here repeating the statement seemed apt to me, proclaiming his truth, the truth for every one to hear and pay attention to,This was indeed an insight from his side than a plea . He however stopped Akram again asking him when he would return, this time he choked when he requested our visit before his life ends, I moved his wheelchair to his bed, we spoke for a while and how he had often seen me at MNJ Institute Of Oncology and how happy he was.
Somehow Akram and I had become partners in a faraway mission from the almost strangers we were two hours ago, struggling to make a conversation, I touched his shoulder and there was the comfort of silence in the car, Slowly we spoke about what happened and what ran on our minds, I didnt know that I was troubled by abrupt severing of ties with my patient and their moving away, I had never heard myself speak about this earlier, He asked me how I handled when patients cried in front of me speaking about their death and spoke about how difficult it was for him to hear him request to come while he was alive.I again looked away from Akram. I now realize that I need to expand my ability to hold and contain emotions. Big Learning.Somewhere in the involvement with training people, I have reduced the time spent in silences , both with myself and others.Hope the trip will balance the scales.
We thanked each other profusely and parted, I held on to the thing I had told Akram,to not dissipate or distract from this discomfort in the heart, to allow things to emerge from it.His music had done its magic for us all over again, and once again it was proven to me that it just takes one person to make your day, one person makes all the difference, Meeting the man, enjoying music with him, was enough,One willing Akram was enough,One person resting well was enough. This visit was more beautiful than I in my limited capacity could perceive and conceive, Beauty prevailed again.
To Hear the magic Akram Ul Haq creates please check
Comments
Post a Comment